Loosing Someone You Love
This is the hardest part in life for me and for many others. I feel I cannot continue moving forward with this site and my blogs without talking about the worst time of my life.
Five years ago, my life changed forever. I lost my beautiful mother to metastatic breast cancer. She was only 56 years old. And, within those five years I also lost my stepdad, grandmother, grandfather and dog. It has been the hardest years of my life. If, it was not for my husband and small children who rely on me so much, I would not be where I am today. I would be lost.
Up until a few months ago, I have cried every single day. I cried on my way to work. I cried on my way home. I cried in the shower and when I laid my head down on my pillow before I went to sleep. Every moment I had to think to myself sorrow filled my thoughts. Most of my smiles were fake. My happy times shadowed by hurt and sorrow. I have grieved for five years, and I am still. I just barely got to a point where I can talk about my mom without crying. Many times I still do. My thoughts were filled with the what ifs and the why us, why me. I can't unsee those last days. So many bad images fill my head of those last days. It hard to remember all the good times. I'm trying and I'm slowly getting there.
My family was robbed. So much has been lost. The place where my family gathered, where there are so many joyful memories and traditions made is just a shell of a home. A cold, quiet place. I have tried to spend time there. To keep it up the way my mom and stepdad would have but I always come back to all the pain, and I feel I am failing. So much needs to be done there and I seem to be the only one who cares to try and make it happen. Fact is, I can't do it alone. And I cannot upkeep two homes. I just can't. Plants have died. A thirty-year-old iconic tree has died. Weeds have taken over. The vibrant, bright sunroom had leaks in the roof now. The jam room (whammer) where so many memories were made is just a storage space. But I have hope. I don't know what has to happen to change this, but it has to. One of my mom's wishes was that the home stay in the family, be a warm welcoming happy place and be a place where we still gather and make more great memories. If it takes years to happen someday it will. I will be sure of that.
Don't grieve for me for now I'm free.
I'm following the path
God has laid, you see.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day, to laugh to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way, I found my peace at the end of the day.
If my parting has left a void, then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
O yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with the times of sorrow, I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I've savored much, good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief, don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts a peace to thee,
God wanted me --
He set me free.
I am slowly learning how to live without my mom. No longer do I have the one person I knew had the answer and if she didn't, she would figure it out or at least have great suggestions. The one person I knew I could always turn to and would be there no matter what. I am slowly replacing the bad memories and images with good ones. I'm trying to remember all the good times, her laugh, her smile, her funny little habits, her beautiful singing voice. She was so full of life, so positive when there was nothing but negativity surrounding her. In her honor and memory, I will start to enjoy life more. I deserve that. She deserves that. She spent her life making sure my sisters and I were taking care of. She did all that she could to make sure we were ok after she was gone, and she wanted nothing more and that was her biggest fear. Life is short and you never know when it's our time to leave this earth. Be kind to others. Enjoy the small things. Find something each day to remember that day by and if not make one because it goes by so fast. If you have something to remember each day by maybe it won't go by so quickly. With this I will end with her own words in part of a letter she left us.
"One day when you're feeling a little blue, think of the following: Who knows what fantastic things are around the corner; Afterall, the world is full of amazing discoveries, things you can't even imagine right now. Hey, you might end up fabulously rich or even become a huge superstar one day. Sounds good, doesn't it? But wait, there's more! There are games to play, and yoga, and karaoke, and wild, crazy bohemian dancing. But, best of all there's romance, long dreamy stares, cuddles, smooches and spooning. So how can you find that blissful feeling? It's easy. First, stop slinking away from all those nagging issues. It's time to face the music. Just relax. Take some deep breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth). Try to meditate or go for a long walk to clear your head. Except the fact that you have to let go of some emotional baggage. Try seeing things from a different perspective. Maybe you're actually the one at fault. If that's the case, be big enough to say you're sorry (it's never too late to do this). If someone else is doing the wrong thing, standup tall and say, respectfully, "that's not right and I'm not going to stand for it!" It's ok to be forceful. No name-calling. That's the worst thing a person can do. Be proud of who you are, but don't lose the ability to laugh at yourself. Surround yourself with positive people. Live everyday as if it were your last, because one day it will be. Don't be afraid to bite off more that you can chew. Afterall, isn't that what life is all about?"
I love you mom and miss you dearly! Please continue to watch over us from above. Guide us in the right direction. Help keep us safe from harm and evil and help us make the right decisions. Every time I hear the Eagles on the radio, I know it's you telling me you are still with us, and I can feel you and your love in those moments as if you were sitting right next to me. Thank you for that it helps me get through.
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